Is it time to be alone for a while?
Do you take time to be single and reflect alone in-between relationships? When Abi Jackson deleted her busy dating app to catch up with herself, she expected the break from the sexiness, drama and hilarity to be temporary. But in the quiet, something shifted in her soul...
Removing the dating app from my phone wasnโt exactly unusual. As long-term dating app users know, itโs a love-hate relationship. For every promising match, raunchy fling and interesting encounter, thereโs a flip side: The ghosting, the hours lost to swiping and the kicking yourself for mistaking a week of messaging for a connection when you know thatโs not how it works. Taking a breather is part of the process. After a few days or weeks, you dive back in โ which is what Iโd been doing for years.
As my peers settled into married life and parenthood, in my mid 30s, I was riding a second wave of singledom. After almost making it down the aisle (my fiance called it off, which was a blessing in disguise in hindsight), I discovered that ticking those conventional boxes wasnโt the only path to happiness. Being single wasnโt the tragic failure society is fixated upon โ in fact, it can be awesome โ and, as it turned out, I was happier dating women.
This wasnโt a case of cracking a code and suddenly finding everlasting love. The search was well and truly on and I was having fun.
Cocktails with a hot stranger on a Monday โ why not? Spontaneous after-dinner dash to find an open bar โ sign me up. Keep it casual was fine by me. If a fling was on the cards, I was all in and not worried if it didnโt go anywhere.
I wanted to find love eventually, but I wasnโt going to pin all my hopes and happiness on it, and I was fiercely positive about being single. Why do we have to be in such a rush, and why does it have to be about long-term monogamy? Iโm not saying I donโt believe in enduring love, itโs just that I also believe thereโs more to life, and more than one way to be happy.
Luckily for me, I was โgoodโ at break-ups. With a colourful string of them under my belt, Iโd mastered the art of dusting myself off โ and there was always a philosophical spin to be found and another date waiting in the wings. And it made for good stories. Settled friends loved living vicariously through my tales, and I loved telling them. My love life was a sitcom that occasionally swerved into soft porn.
โI need to stop getting emotionally attached and keep a healthy distance โ youโre good at that,โ a single friend said during a discussion about the pros and pitfalls of modern dating. At a certain point, however, things changed. I started seeing someone and, for the first time in a long time, it felt like a connection I didnโt want to just come and go. It fizzled โ but I knew the drill.
Take a breather and get back on the app. Soon after, I met someone else. Our brief but passionate fling also burned out fast โ but something about it got under my skin. Brushing myself off wasnโt proving quite as easy and jumping back into the dating pool was losing its allure.
I couldnโt shake off the feeling and, more importantly, I didnโt want to โ I had been stung and I was angry and sad.
My bucket was full
This time, when I declared I was taking a break from dating, I didnโt mean the usual few days or weeks. This was to be a proper pause of at least three months โ a significant but not too scarily long stint, and close enough to 100 days, often cited as the time it takes to break a habit.
Three months is no great stretch, but the readiness I felt for my ban was new territory. Would I go the distance? If Iโm honest, I expected to last a couple of weeks before being pulled back in. But the first few weeks came and went and the temptation to revisit the app wasnโt there. Something was happening though โ I was crying a lot and feeling raw. It was business as usual on the surface but, in the safety of my own company, an emotional volcano had erupted.
Discussing my break with fellow single friends was interesting. Some thought three months was no big deal, while others thought it was far too long. We all agreed that embracing solo time was a brilliant idea.
This wasnโt about discovering the joy of โdating myselfโ. Thatโs something Iโm quite at home with: solo dining, theatre trips and โ my favourite โ tickets to a dance show are a cherished part of my life. So, what was it really about?
โI think Iโd like to meet someone,โ I confessed. My sabbatical seemed at odds with what I wanted, so how was not dating going to help? Of course, the old โit happens when you least expect itโ cropped up โ a few people reassured me that Iโd meet someone now that Iโd stopped looking. But that was the furthest thing from my mind. There was no secret hope that calling off the hunt would lead serendipitously to finding love like some romcom cliche.
Cold-turkey clarity
Without a phone full of messages, I had space to ponder and assess my feelings. It clicked that rushing back onto the horse time and time again meant I never gave my emotions room to hang around and be processed. I had been a prolific dater, but was it genuine interest or the dopamine hit that had me coming back for more? Apps are designed to be addictive, and now that Iโd stepped out of the cycle, I was oddly calm.
About five weeks into my dating break, I met a dear friend for dinner. Weโd last seen each other when Iโd been aglow with excitement about that brief but passionate fling. โAre you still seeing her?โ asked my friend.
When I explained that it was long over, she said: โBut you were so excited about it โ what happened?โ โOh nothing, she ghosted me. Itโs fine!โ I breezed, ready to move on. My friend went quiet, then started to cry. โItโs not fine,โ she said. โGhosting is brutal. Why do we do it to each other?โ
A lump shot to my throat. I didnโt weep of course โ my tears were private. โSorry, Iโm just so emotional at the moment,โ she continued. โIโve been working through relationship stuff with a therapist and itโs making me reflect. Ghosting is dismissive and disrespectful.โ
The knot in no strings
I felt a surge of love for my truthful friend โ and something else that took me by surprise. Ghosting wasnโt something Iโd complained about โ how could I? Iโd done it to others, so what right did I have to expect anything different? The truth was Iโd told the woman who blanked me from the outset that casual fun was fine.
I didnโt lament about ghosting because I genuinely thought it was OK. I didnโt moan about ghosting because to do so would be expressing an emotional need โ and that was unthinkable!
After my friend honestly expressed her vulnerability and real feelings, I realised that what she was saying was reasonable and fair, and my anger and sadness started to make sense. I wasnโt upset about being ghosted, countless dates that didnโt go anywhere and flings that fizzled out fast, I was sad, and angry at myself for never expecting or asking for more.
Had I been denying my needs and feelings because I was afraid of appearing needy; and because I didnโt think I was worthy of respect and love?
Indifference isnโt a skill
I mulled over the words of my other friend: โI need to stop getting so emotionally attached โ youโre good at that.โ That hadnโt always been the case. Iโd spent much of my 20s overinvesting in drama-filled, doomed relationships, ricocheting from one heartache to the next. At what point had I learned to be good at not getting attached? And was it something I wanted to be good at?
Of course, a healthy level of resilience is beneficial, but I was finally starting to see that thereโs a significant line between resilience and avoidance. Had I been dancing on that line all this time?
Iโd been a prolific dater and it might have looked as if Iโd been trying to find love โ but had I? Or had I built a comfort zone in a bubble of possibility, knowing that if genuine intimacy crept into the picture, one of us would bail?
When the three-month mark came, I didnโt rush back to the app โ then lockdown hit and the world went on an epic and enforced break from dating!
We both deserve better
Iโve started meeting people again, but a few things are different. Iโve made a list of boundaries โ a revelation! Before, any hint of emotional unavailability would have been be a green light โ crash and burn was just around the corner. Now, itโs a red light. I donโt want to go there any more. Ghosting is no longer fine and Iโve challenged myself not to run away from less fun conversations and to give people a chance.
Iโve redownloaded the app, but Iโm not getting caught up in incessant swiping. Real communication is my focus and Iโve slowed down โ not just in my approach to dating but in how Iโm managing my feelings and vulnerability, as well as that of others. These things need space to breathe. Itโs still a work in progress, but Iโm ready to do the work.
Are you ready for love?
Katherine Baldwin, a relationship coach and author of โHow To Fall In Loveโ, lists the pertinent questions to ask yourself before you start dating.
- Do you feel lovable?
- Are you emotionally resilient with a strong inner core?
- Do you love and respect yourself enough to set healthy boundaries for yourself and others?
- What are you looking for in a relationship?
- How can you increase your level of awareness about your relationship patterns?
- How can you increase your level of self-acceptance?
- Have you let go of your exes โ are you truly over them and ready to move on with your romantic life?
- If you are not over an ex, what kind of support do you need in order to heal and grow, and where can you find that support?
Photograph: Getty Images