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My friend’s partner is the man of my dreams

Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you

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My friend's partner is the man of my dreams

Q. I recently met a friendโ€™s new boyfriend at a party and we clicked in an incredible way. I really had an overwhelming feeling that I had met the love of my life. We started talking and didnโ€™t stop for more than two hours โ€“ until my friend came over and ushered him away. Now, I canโ€™t stop thinking about him. They have only been together for a few months, and she is not a good friend โ€“ an acquaintance, really. I feel that if I donโ€™t do something, I may be missing the opportunity of a lifetime. Should I send him an email? Name supplied

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A. I struggle with the phrase โ€˜the love of my lifeโ€™, and prefer to change the first word from โ€˜theโ€™ to โ€˜aโ€™. The idea that thereโ€™s just one chance here โ€“ blink and youโ€™ve missed it โ€“ sounds like a cruel, rather than romantic, fairy tale.

Two hours is a long time at a party, but some GCSE exams last longer, and you want at least that level of knowledge about your potential partner. Iโ€™m not keen on email in these circumstances, because itโ€™s quite a limited form of communication, without any of the non-verbal clues, such as tone of voice and body language. I would also question why you have this intense feeling and that itโ€™s all up to you. Is this a story where you know something and he doesnโ€™t?

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Hereโ€™s one idea โ€“ invite both of them to another gathering; you could do this on social media, so itโ€™s a completely open invitation. Their responses, individually or together, will give you another major clue.

Itโ€™s intriguing that his girlfriend waited so long before intervening in the intense conversation you were having; she could either be very confident, or quite casual about their connection. However, her attitude is not the nub of the issue here. Iโ€™m interested in exploring more about yours.

Iโ€™m sure youโ€™ve heard โ€“ and I believe โ€“ that you need to fall in love with yourself before you do so with someone else. Professional love mentor and dating coach Elizabeth Sullivan uses an image that I really like. She says that a successful relationship is balanced โ€“ you think heโ€™s amazing, just as much as he thinks you are. Itโ€™s like a see-saw: if your whole perspective is looking up at him, then by definition you are putting yourself down and those โ€˜am I worthy?โ€™ thoughts will creep in.

That feeling of โ€˜the big clickโ€™ is incredible, but โ€˜slow burnโ€™ is another option, as is โ€˜the friend I didnโ€™t noticeโ€™. Wishing you the best of luck in your romantic endeavours.

Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcรฉe and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with โ€˜MARYโ€™ in the subject line.

Photograph: iStock

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