Remember when everybody was talking about digital detoxes and off-grid holidays, and those long ‘Screen-free Sundays’ that were just a reminder of how much we hated board games? That all feels like rather a distant memory. Suddenly, phones and laptops became essential, not only for communication and entertainment, but for work, social get-togethers, exercise – even educating our children and putting food on the table. Any attempt at monitoring screen time was soon abandoned, along with baking sourdough and knitting Fair Isle socks, and we are plugged into our devices more than ever.

So, what happens now? Do we have to accept and even embrace our technology-dependent reality, along with the aching thumbs from constant selecting and texting, or can we claw back some of our offline life and find a way to reclaim a sense of balance with our devices?

They might be ubiquitous, owned by 87 per cent of adults in the UK, but it’s worth remembering that smartphones didn’t exist 20 years ago. Technology has changed our lives beyond belief and, in many ways, improved it.

‘Day after day, we use technology to boost our capabilities on a massive scale. The boost it gives us, both intellectually and emotionally, is unrivalled,’ says digital wellbeing expert, researcher Joanne Orlando, whose new book Life Mode On seeks to help people use technology more positively and productively. ‘However, when it’s not used well, technology can cause damage and exacerbate the pressures and insecurities of life.’

Teenagers get the worst press when it comes to phone use, but Orlando says it’s women who experience the most Problematic Mobile Phone Use (PMPU), and who feel most anxious about it. ‘The reason is part biology and the values and ideals that women hold as a more relationship-centred gender, and part society and the changes technology has brought into our world,’ she says. ‘Historically, women have held the mental load of family life, but technology has overwhelmed our sense of duty and the expectation to be available (by phone, message, social media and email) and take action (call, message, book, like, send and write) whenever others (children, partner, friend, family member, plumber or WhatsApp group) think it’s necessary, which could be any minute of the day!’

Just checking

While the stress our phone causes us is real, it’s our reliance on it, rather than the phone itself, that is the problem. Think about it this way: The issue isn’t necessarily the crying baby, it’s that we pick up the baby every time it cries. This is partly conditioning caused by clever technology built into apps that keeps us engaged and doesn’t let our attention wander too far. Around half the time we pick up our phone, it’s in response to a beep, ping or message flashing up on the screen. Turning these off or even placing your phone face down or on silent will help you resist the constant nudges. But then there’s still the other 50 per cent of the time when you check your phone because of the little alert that’s sounding inside your head. But what is it that keeps us going back for more – on average 60 times a day? Orlando says we are addicted to the instant gratification and momentary escapism that we experience, usually when scrolling through social media or news apps.

Who’s the boss?

If you’re worried that you’re spending too much time online, a digital detox might seem like the right thing to do. And, while it may help in the short term, just like crash diets, you’ll do it for a few days, then slip back into old habits. ‘Unless you’re moving to a desert island with no wifi, eradicating technology is not a solution,’ says Orlando, who explains that we need to focus on how technology lives with us, rather than the other way around. ‘Using technology less isn’t desirable or sustainable,’ she says. ‘A better way is to consider which uses of technology cause us stress and which add value to life.’

“Unless you’re moving to a desert island with no wifi, eradicating technology is not a desirable or sustainable solution”

Ring of truth

Most phones give you a report on your phone usage over the week. A good first step towards balance is to actually read it, and see how you really spend your time online. If it’s messaging and social media apps at the top of the list, you’re probably seeking emotional connection and gratification from your device. ‘Social media taps precisely into our need to connect with people and ideas, which can be a good thing and is why so many of us are drawn to it,’ says Orlando. ‘However, it also holds up a massive magnifying glass to our vulnerabilities – envy, insecurity, loneliness and anger. These aren’t new vulnerabilities, but social media brings them out.’

If, however, your online social interactions give you a greater sense of belonging with family, friends, work or community, that’s a positive thing. Of course, it’s always wise to be selective about who you connect with and ensure that online interaction doesn’t get in the way of real-life connection. For example, replacing conversations with one-word responses and emojis might make it easier to connect with more people, but they are impersonal and more about ‘keeping up’ than fostering meaningful relationships.

Everybody knows that technology is here to stay, but the important thing is to remember that we are in charge of how we engage with it. Easing yourself away from mindless scrolling and swerving online rabbit holes will help you reconnect in real life with those who matter and protect your relationships, health and happiness – without the need for a digital detox.

Not-so-smart phone behaviour

Is your tech taking too much from you? Look out for these telltale signs:

Next steps

Watch Netflix docudrama ‘The Social Dilemma’. Technology entrepreneurs and executives explore addiction and the potentially dangerous impact of social networking.

Read ‘Digital Minimalism’ and ‘A World Without Email’ by Cal Newport (Penguin, £9.99 and £14.99 respectively). The computer science professor from Georgetown University presents the evidence for reducing our time online, along with ways to use tech in a more meaningful way. calnewport.com

Do something meaningful on your device every day. Whether it’s a Zoom wine-tasting evening or an hour learning a new creative app with your child, make use of the many varied opportunities that technology offers while keeping out of the rabbit holes that drain you and steal your time.

Expert Advice

With thanks to Joanne Orlando and Nedra Glover Tawwab for their expert advice.

Writer and speaker Joanne Orlando is an expert in our relationship with technology. She is the author of ‘Life Mode On’ (Hardie Grant, £12.99)

Nedra Glover Tawwab is a relationship therapist and author of ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’ (Little, Brown, £14.99)

Words: Rebecca Frank 

Photograph: Getty Images